Memory Loo

Goodbye?

2008-09-18T22:15:00.000+02:00

I'm not suicidal, just getting tired of the monotony. Any suggestions so as to change my current status? (or state of mind) Comments? Violent reactions? Anything?

Ahhh. Need to sleep now.

Yea, yea. RIGHT.

2008-09-15T23:18:00.002+02:00

Wow! It's been so long since I logged on here in Blogger. (Yea, the recent posts were just cross-posted from my Multiply.) So we can follow blogs now? Haha! This is long overdue. I've been a Blogger user for more than 5 years now and this is the only time they're gonna do this? Hahaha!

Anyways, nothing much. I've been updating my Tumblr cos I lack time to tweak into my blogger account anymore, and so far, it offers some convenient tools to just post and publish. Let me just say I missed blogging here.. even though there aren't many readers anymore. I don't really mind, cos I've been switching blogs every 6 months because of some lame Pinoy cyberstalker.

So yea, I don't know what to say. Just check out my Tumblr account. I might return here in blogger one of these days again...

Sorry to all the people who has been in my links, hindi na ako updated sa inyo, I was really busy with work I didn't have time anymore!

Sososo, toodles for now! :)

Hindi na ako dapat na umasa pa..

2008-09-11T17:47:00.000+02:00

Na kaya nyo kong suportahan sa mga pangarap ko sa buhay ko..
Na kaya nyong makipagplastikan sken at tanungin kung ano ba talaga ang gusto ko..
Na ititigil nyo na na ipagpilitan kung anong gagawin ko sa buhay ko..
Na malaman kahit man lang sa isang tingin kung anong nararamdaman ko..

Na tanungin kung masaya ba ako talaga sa buhay na pilit nyong ipanakakain sa akin..
Na magbabago ang lahat..

Kaya hindi na din kayo dapat na umasa pa na kayo nalang palagi ang iisipin ko at hindi ko na iisipin ang lahat ng gusto ko sa buhay ko ng dahil lamang sa simpleng dahilan na gusto ko kayong mapasaya.

Tapos na ako dun. Ako naman ngayon. Sana pagbigyan nyo na ako. Sana maisip nyo naman na anak nyo din ako, hindi lang sila. Sana..

Pagod na pagod na ako... Ang bigat bigat isipin na wala akong maaasahan kahit na isa. Ang bigat bigat.

Cheers. Yea, cheers.

2008-08-30T22:00:00.000+02:00

Hearing the intro of the song Now and Forever brought floods of memories rushing to my system -- I loved that song. There was a time of my teenage life wherein it played on repeat mode on my computer. But there was also a time that I hated it to the core.

I was really infatuated with him when I was in third year high school, probably it was the closest thing to love, but not nearly enough. I realized that, though the moments we shared together weren't really that much, I was always looking to the possibility of sharing yet another time with him as a close friend.

I hated him for a while because, egocentric as I am, I couldn't accept the fact that he actually ditched me for another girl. But things have gone better - so I completely let go of the grudge.

For the last two years that I went home, we talk to each other and bond as if nothing tragic happened between the two of us - we just acted like two normal people. We text, hang out, and joke about our past. We give in to the teasing of our peers, meaning 'ride' with it, but we've never crossed the line beyond friendship anymore.

I didn't know what would it feel like when someone close to you starts a new life - far newer than the life you're living, than the life you lived. But right now, I realized, no words could describe it.

I know I'm making a big fuss out of this, but hey.. when it seems that all the people you know well in High School (e.g.former flames and the like) are having their own family, it will make your world suddenly upside-down for a moment, you start to rewind and relive the memories, wait for the shock and surprise wear off and then finally, allowing all the new facts to sink in.

I still don't know the appropriate word I feel but there are a few things that I'm sure about -- my bestfriend and former "we're just friends" companion has a baby boy, my two-week highschool boyfriend (who earned the title ex after that time) is now waiting for his baby, and some friends from HS have their own, too.

I guess.. well, I guess that indeed, "the future comes soon enough".

Let's wish ourselves good luck, my high school friends. :)

Spasm of Shock (and near-death experience)

2008-08-16T20:28:00.000+02:00

We went to the beach today. Well, if today is the 16th of August, which is not the case, cos it's already 0.03. It wasn't much fun as I thought it would be. (Okay, I don't think I know the meaning of fun these last few weeks -- my mood just won't jive with the things I do.) Let me get this straight: I love the beach, but I'm not much of a beach bum. I can't swim and I'm scared of even trying. I think I'm hydrophobic -- but just with sea water. Haha.

I'll just cut to the chase.

I'm feeling so moronic because I nearly drowned. We. Me and my sister. Moronic, well, because I don't freaking know how to effin swim -- which have put us in danger. We were in the shallow part of the waters when she suddenly disappear from my sight, only to appear in a part much deeper than where she'd been. That's when she yelled "ATE!". How fantastic. I didn't know how to swim, she's taller than me and much braver than me when it comes into water activities and then there she was yelling for me?! I. practically. panicked. Of course it wasn't the best idea, because the moment my hand reached hers and the waves caught me off-guard, I lost all senses. What I mean is, I lost my sense of thinking. (I'm now wondering where my brains had been.) So yea, you can imagine the terrifying (at least, for me) scenery. When it suddenly sank in, the thought of possible death -- you can't blame me -- I'm not really an optimistic person when it comes into hydrowhatevers, I kicked my foot underwaters; well you know -- the one where you should be able to keep the buoyancy? BUT TO NO AVAIL. I don't know why I didn't float, it's a mystery to me, maybe the panic? I don't know. It's a good thing that my sister did a good job at having the presence of mind -- in the end, she was the one saving me.

After that ordeal, I could feel the burning feeling that the salty water caused my eyes and then it came: the terrible headache. We immediately scrambled to our feets towards our parents. who, apparently, don't know anything about what had happened. When they saw my face (I probably looked sick or something) they asked and then, NADA. No reaction?? I swear at that moment I could've wished I drowned. I don't know why they took it too lightly, maybe because we're already safe? I don't know. As I fought back the tears, I could really feel that something is stinging my throat. Maybe pain. Emotional pain.

Well after that, there came the faked smiles and enthusiasm. I don't know what I have to think. I'm just relieved that the shock has worn off easily (you get the idea why), relieved that I'm safe and that I'm still blogging and blabbing and typing on my computer right now, happy that I'm still alive, eventhough I was already thinking about my death. I don't have any desire whatsoever of thinking of another things.. I just wanna focus on the positive sides.

Anyway.

I think I've already vent out half of the things that I'm currently feeling, and despite the itchiness of my entire body, I'm feeling a bit better now. :)

Seriously Annoyed.

2008-08-14T09:03:00.001+02:00

Why can't these people mind their own fucking business? :|

I. AM. SERIOUSLY. ANNOYED.

SERIOUSLY.

Bakit ba hindi nalang sila tumahimik at pati buhay ko eh guguluhin nila dahil lang sa stereotypical nilang paniniwala na OKAY LANG MAMBABAE ang mga lalake, pero kapag PUMATOL ang babae sa TAKEN na LALAKE, eh matinding giyera?

No, hindi ako pumatol sa lalaking may sabit. Utang-na-loob. I know better than that. Pero yun ang iniisip nila. Hindi ko alam kung paano nila naisip yun o anong rason nila. Utang-na-loob ulit. Napakajudgmental nila talaga. Sobrang judgmental. Hindi nila ako kilala. Why do they have to stain my reputation ng ganito?

Hindi ko kasalanan na may gusto sya sken, kahit pa ba hindi sya kasal dun sa babae at may anak lang sya, thankyouverymuch. Hindi ko din kasalanan na ipinanganak ako with obvious charms... :|

I'D RATHER EAT GLASS THAN SEE YOUR FACE.

The only thing that I wanna do is to go home and resume to my old life and completely forget that I've met these people -- seriously annoying nosy people.

Complicated

2008-08-10T23:25:00.002+02:00

I couldn't think of any appropriate word to say what I really feel in this phase of my life, but one thing is for sure: I'm not in a good shape. It has been two days in a row that I've been supplying myself some dose of alcohol, and no matter how much I've said in the past that I won't indulge into that certain act, I find it somewhat gratifying and pleasurable.

I've never understood what people meant about drinking as fun. But two nights ago, while I was on the edge of plunging into full-scale depression, I understood it, not totally, but still. Must be the dizziness? The tipsiness? Or must be the burning effect of it on my body that made me feel numb? It's a good thing I didn't turn out to be that drunk - good thing I still have the self-control.

Depression. Ah.

I don't know anymore how would I express myself. It feels like I've always been depressed, always been sad, always been scared of everything. But of course, it would be a lie. There are times that I feel happy and even ecstatic. There are times that I feel like I'm the happiest person in the world. So, this shouldn't be bad, right?

I want some space. I want time. I want to do things by myself.

These words, as simple and clear as they may seem, are like daggers that pierced through my heart. Surely, I gave him the space and time that he wanted? I don't know what he really wants.. As much as possible, I do not demand anything from him that might ruin his studies, that might alter something that is important to him. I don't think about my needs anymore. Period. Sometimes, I'm feeling clingy, I'm feeling touchy, I'm feeling needy. But what am I supposed to do? Twice a week we talk through YM, sometimes, those conversations don't even last for an hour. I need some "kilig moments", too. Ayaw ko ng madrama. Ayaw ko ng sobrang sweet. Ayaw ko ng emo. That's what he said. Now I ask myself: Madrama ba ako? OA ba ako? Emo ba ako? I must admit I can be those three sometimes - but what can I do? It's not like we're always together... Sometimes, I think the distance is what's causing me to be like that.

I just miss him.

I just miss him that it hurts that when I want to talk to him and steal some of his time, he would blurt out these things to me. I thought I was being "giving" by not demanding him most of the things that girlfriends want. I thought wrong. It looks like it's never enough. And now he wants space, he wants half-commitments, nothing that serious. And he also wants to keep me.

I love him. He loves me. I'm just feeling insecure.

Can someone, please, enlighten me at how men's minds work?

Labyrinth

2008-08-02T23:02:00.003+02:00

This is my seventh post so far. This is so not me. Haha.

True, I work for 9 hours from Monday to Friday, so I wouldn't be able to blab about everything because of weariness and other stuff I feel. I also don't think you could all relate to all the things going on in my mind because a) they're work-related, b) some things are better left unwritten and c) they're just in my mind - and I don't think I'd have the courage to blurt it out.

I'm not having the so-called writer's block. It's just that I don't think that blogging satisfies my need to express myself anymore. Or not. Okay. Lemme rephrase it. I don't think that blogging sate my needs to express myself entirely. I am too disturbed about the stalker thing, too worried about writing about myself for fear of being judged hastily and just too tired.. too tired of this... I don't know what the hell that is. I don't know if this is just a spur-of-the-moment thing or a phase of maturity, but sure enough, I don't know if I'll be writing as often as I did before.

I just want to be back to my old self - the one who wrote those senseless, hilarious entries on the blogs I had before... well, the one who - I don't know.

I think I'm lost again, and it's taking me too long to find my way back. Yes, that's the bottom line.

What in the world.

2008-07-25T20:58:00.006+02:00

Funny how men seem to think the same way.. well, the majority of them, at least. (I know a few who don't think like these chauvinists men do and I say kudos to them. )

It is not only once that I receive indecent remarks from men. Even when I was still in the Philippines, I often hear side-comments from them. Those comments weren't really rude, I could say that some were flattering, but I find them, nevertheless, impolite. I don't know if it's really normal for the male species to be vocal about what they really think, but recent studies showed (as far as I know and read) that the level of testosterone of men automatically goes high when a female is around, regardless of the physical appearance or the way she appeals to them. (I don't know if this is reliable, I just read it from the daily paper.)

I don't know how attraction really works, or how it takes place. I've experienced a strong attraction towards the opposite sex maybe twice, (sure I had crushes but those are just crushes) but it didn't base on how good he looked like... They were not the handsome types. So yea, I really don't know how it functions... I've never ogled openly at a man before.

Just two weeks ago, I received an indecent proposal from some random old man while I was walking home. He was like 75 years old when he stopped and looked at me admiringly and said, "Sei bellissima." Out of respect, (I thought he was just a sweet-old-man-longing-for-affection-and-everything) I said my thanks and appreciation. He went on interviewing me about my personal life. He had a go at my love life and asked if I have a boyfriend. I told him, yes, cos there's this nagging feeling inside me that dictates me to be careful in answering. Then he dropped the bomb. I was aghast. He asked me if we can see each other privately. WHAT.AN.ASS. I was near furious, then. But out of patience, I just told him, "No. And I'm not sorry. Goodbye." I couldn't believe my ears!

Then two days ago, my phone rang. It was a private number. I thought it was my boyfriend calling me from the Philippines so I answered it. What I heard was beyond everything I have ever imagined. There was a guy moaning and stuff and I didn't know what to think of it, I immediately pressed the end button of my phone. It was creepy. And obscene. If truth be told, I am seriously stinky of apprehension to go out alone.

The story doesn't end here. I know this guy who wants me to be his girlfriend even though a girl already claims to be the one. I don't know what he thinks about me. I don't look stupid. I don't look dumb. So why would he think that I'll buy his macho shitty image and agree with his terms? I'm already taken, in the first place, and he freaking knows that. So why, oh why would he still try?

Srsly.

Men (again, not all, but the majority of them) are chauvinist pigs. They seem to view women as objects to be played. I couldn't blame them totally, though. The society portrays women as the objects of lust and desire. (Not that they're not already. It's a given fact. Men go all the way to prove that to the women.) Watch TV and you tell me where they put the women.

I may sound like a feminist, thankyouverymuch, but my experiences speak for themselves. I've went through so much men-staring-at-me-until-my-clothes-melt, indecent remarks from them, with or without teeth and lately, stalkers. Which makes me think:

What have I done to deserve this?

I think I need bodyguards now! Hahaha! Kidding aside, I'm scared (but not that scared) and I think about not going out for the meantime. I mean, I'll always go out with someone with me.. We'll never know.

You want some, you get some

2008-07-23T22:16:00.004+02:00

My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now, it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon.
- Sway, Bic Runga

I have finally found the mood to do some tweaking here and there and this is the result: a neater and nicer look. I don't dig much the green layout before, so I thought of changing it.

The days haven't been good to me and so were chances. I'm stuck here at home with no job for a week because it's summer and the freaking logistics company don't need much people, so yea, they had me and some other people stay at home for a week. It's bit unfair for me, I may say, since I do my job in the best way that is possible. Oh well. Life's a bitch, sometimes. Or not. Those people at work are the bitches. (Sorry for the profanity.. just had to say it for lack of a better word.) I don't think that I'll have work tomorrow, but hopefully, on Monday, I can start again. It's money and time we're talking about here! Haha!

My life is being boring as hell. So boring that I don't even know how to use the Internet anymore. I just get up in the morning, do my thing, go to work, go home, check mails, eat (sometimes I don't eat anymore because of weariness) and then surf a little on the internet and then go to sleep. Oh yea, plus the occasional phone calls at midnight. It couldn't get any better! There I was, wishing that my life would take some turn. Here is the turn that I was wishing for but now I'm wishing for it again to take another worthy turn... Honestly, I don't know what to think anymore. This moment everything is topsy-turvy... then stagnant the next. It is so annoying... I wish someone would come and make me happy - I just want someone to talk to -- badly.

So, anyway, that's just it. Nothing more, nothing less. Just the same old story. I wish I could write more interesting blog posts, neh? My blogs are becoming recycle bins.. really.

There. I ran out of words. Toodles for now!

PS. Pwede po bang pakipalitan ng name ko sa pages nyo ng Aryan? Cos there's a maniac who stalks my every internet account :( Thankie!

Agos

2008-07-21T13:40:00.003+02:00

Hindi ko alam kung bakit at paano ko ba natutunang mahalin ang pagsusulat. Pero lilinawin ko lang, hindi ito yung klase ng pagmamahal na lalaban ako ng patayan para lang makapagsulat. Hayaan na natin ang ibang mga tao para dun. Kung tutuusin, kaya lang naman ako "nahahalina" ng pagsusulat ay dahil sa epekto nito sa akin. Masyado kasing nakakapuno sa pakiramdam kapag nailalabas mo ang mga nararamdaman mo. Masarap sa pakiramdam yung nasasabi mo ang mga nararamdaman mo sa mga tao na halos hindi mo naman kakilala lahat.

Nung una, nagsusulat ako sa purong Tagalog. Labing-apat na taong gulang pa lang ako non. Kasalukuyan pa akong nag-aaral kung paano ang epektibong pagsusulat at hinahasa ang sarili sa pagsasalita ng Ingles dahil aaminin ko, hindi ako kabilang sa mga pamilyang English-speaking na ang mga anak mula pa nung sila'y iluwal sa mundo. Pero kahit ganon, walang nakapigil sa akin na gumawa ng 'blog'. Kesehodang dumugo ang ilong ko sa lahat ng HTML.

Nitong huli, parang nawalan ako ng ganang magsulat at ipaalam sa mundo kung ano ba talaga ang mga nararamdaman ko at kung ano ba talaga ang gusto kong iparating sa mga kaibigan ko. Hindi ko alam, pero pakiramdam ko wala akong direksyon. Pakiramdam ko, ang pagsusulat na ginagawa ko ay naging ritwal na lamang na kailangan kong gawin, hindi dahil gusto ko, kundi dahil kailangan ko. Talaga palang dumarating ang oras na ganon ang nangyayari. Dumarating ang oras na kailangan mong tumigil muna upang hanapin ang sarili mo, o hanapin ang kung anuman na nawawala sayo. Sa kaso ko, hindi ko talaga alam kung ano ang hinahanap ko. Buong akala ko alam ko na, pero habang tumatagal, lalo akong nalilito.

Nahihirapan ako sa ganito, oo. Pero hindi ko maipagkakaila na, kagaya ng mga oras na ito, lumilipas din ang hirap, napapalitan ng kung anumang pakiramdam at bumabalik ang sigla. Paikot lang palagi ang buhay - parang mundo - umiikot, gumagalaw - na sa 'yo na kung paano ka sasabay sa ikot, kung paano at kung hanggang saan ka magpapadala sa agos.

Kaya itatanong ko na lang ulit sa sarili ko ang mga napipintong tanong kapag lumipas na ang ulan at mahina na ang agos.

Memory Loo

2008-07-20T16:14:00.003+02:00

I still haven't got myself conditioned for my blog comeback. I haven't been bloghopping for the past weeks, though I'm checking some blogs from time to time. I don't know why I'm being such a lazy ass that I'm even (almost) willing to give up my blogging life despite everything that I've learned in the blogosphere. Eww, there goes the redundancy of the word blog. I think being on a hiatus isn't doing me any good.

I'm feeling envious about the people who can write sensible posts on their pages, who can narrate to everybody what's happening and who are experiencing moments of their lives worthy to be recorded in the form of words. I still don't get the gist why I think my everyday life is really different, and why I feel like I'm abnormal sometimes.

Yea, sometimes.

People at work call me crazy. No, not the literal meaning of it. But not once they said that when I start to talk and open my mouth, they expect me to say out-of-this-world thingamaboos that they can't even relate to. What, I'm from Jupiter now?

Sometimes it's cool. Well, I'm not really the type of person who blends with the public (not that I want, to), and I don't really mind being different. You can call me weird for all I care, and I wouldn't be angry. It's just that I don't think it's polite for them to say things like those, owing to the fact that they don't even know me well..

Anyway.

I still couldn't think of anything to blog about. I lack intellectual masturbation :(

I think I need to get away ... to change atmosphere. And maybe, when I come back here in the city of congested and polluted Milan, I'll be as good as new. Right? Right.

Psychoanalysis

2008-07-15T21:48:00.005+02:00

I'd very much like to rant about one thing that's happening in my life right now, but my insides are screaming as of this moment.

It was yesterday when someone talked to me about my plans of going to college. I couldn't answer him because I don't have any concrete plans yet, and my parents are planning of not sending me back in the Philippines for my long overdue college education. He is actually waiting for me to formulate any counter-attack. I wish it's that easy, seeing as I have a job right now and I can save the money for any financial difficulties that are about to come my way just in case I decide to run away. No, I'm not kidding. I wouldn't kid about something as delicate as this.

So what seems to be the problem? The problem is, as of this moment, I couldn't see any vivid direction as to where I'm pointing to. Sure, I wanna study.. SO BAD. I want intellectual masturbation every now and then with people who are willing to listen to all my views and whatnot regarding everything under the sun. Sure, I wanna go home. It's like the silver lining in the clouds: daydreaming about going home and doing the things that I wanna do and be with the persons I wanna be with.

But then, maturity seems to be kicking in. In lieu with this maturity, the word sacrifice keeps popping into my mind and I just can't seem to just brush it off. I have always been wanting this and this thing is almost on my grasp, so why oh why is there some nagging voice in my mind that just keeps on telling me to wait a bit more??

What about the people who are waiting for me? What about that someone, who tried so hard as to be patient with everything that's happening in my life... who needed to handle everything on his own, who lets my problems depress him and accumulate inside him? What about my grandmother who's looking forward for me to march down that aisle for my college diploma? What about myself? What about my dreams?

My insides are really in turmoil right now, not to mention some little things that are affecting and dominating my system lately... and yes, also the fact that I'm emotionally unstable. Hahaha.

Which makes me ask myself if I'm really beginning to be a psycho or not.

Let's hope not.

Extraordinaire

2008-07-12T19:33:00.002+02:00

I don't know how to start this first entry on my nth blog. I thought I needed to put up a new one because I'm just feeling sick of some of the entries written in my other blog. There are just times that I don't wanna read them anymore. On the other hand, I regret that I had to leave it just like that, what with all the friends I made and the sensible and hilarious entries I post.. But then, when something doesn't make you happy anymore, or doesn't give you the satisfaction you're supposed to get... here goes the change.

Or maybe, I just need to get away.

I'm too busy with work. Scratch that. Too busy is not the right term. I just think I'm too lazy to update and type some set of words and let the world know what's happening. My work is being a routine.. that's why I think there's no more need for me to be an extraordinaire racconteur about it.

Oh well. Nothing's new. Just like that :p
On second thought, I had my haircut, that's new. :D

Feast on it then ;p

PS. I wanna get a tattoo!